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1. cymru am bythSalvaged from archive31 Aug 2006, 00:34
   Two tampax walking down the street, which one says hello? Neither, they’re both stuck up cunts!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- whats the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?? you get your palm red for free ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Paul McCartney was being interviewed by the press. They asked him how long it would be before he went down on one knee again. “I would prefer it if you called her Heather” he replied -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. “What’s all the screaming about in here? You’re scaring the customers!” he said. The drunk replied, ” I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my bollocks.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You fucking idiot, you’re sitting on the mop bucket!” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After the recent earthquake in Indonesia, Osama Bin Ladan receives a text from God. “Beat that yer cunt” -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics? A: Not being retarded in the first place. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What’s blue and fucks old people? A: Hypothermia Q: What is the definition of “making love”? A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. Q: What’s yellow and green and eats nuts? A: Gonorrhoea Q: Why did God create yeast infections? A: So women would know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too. Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again Q. What’s the difference between mayonnaise & semen? A. Mayonnaise doesn’t hit the back of a girl’s throat at thirty miles an hour. Q. What’s a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What’s the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A: She's guaranteed to swallow. Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelery. Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson’s ranch know when it is bedtime? A. When the big hand touches the little hand ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q.What dosen’t fit?? A. A dead epileptic!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Teacher: Mary, what does your father do for a living? Mary: He is a dentist. Teacher: Johnny, and what does your father do? Johnny: He is a fireman. Teacher: Billie, what does your father do? Billie: My father works in an Office. Teacher: and Tommy, what does your father do? Tommy: My father died last year miss. Teacher: I’m sorry to hear that Tommy. What did he do before he died? Tommy: He just turned blue and shit on the carpet miss. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, “I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.” Tom Thumb said, “I must be the smallest person in the world.” Quasimodo said, “I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.” They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. “It’s official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,” Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, “I am officially the smallest person in the world.” Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and said, “Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, “Dat’s dem.” The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,” says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000′ foot drop and says, “Dis looks like a grand place.” He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,”Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook’n dangerous for me!” THERE’S MORE The next minute, Seamus pulls up in his truck at Connor Pass. He been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. “Hi, Paddy. Watch dis,” Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down,Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says,” And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either!” IT IS NOT OVER YET: Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He’s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. “Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,den Seamus parrotshooting and now Sean Og and his fook’n hengliding!” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what is white and hangs on a toilet wall?………….George Michael’s latest release ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whats the difference between Thomas the Tank engine and Princess Diana? - Thomas the Tank engine made it through the tunnel ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- mary had a little lamb, she tyed it to a pylon, 10,000 volts went up it's arse and turned it's wool to nylon mary had a little lamb it's fleece was white and whispy, then along came foot and mouth and now it's black and crispy
2. Commando80Salvaged from archive31 Aug 2006, 04:48
   Yet again, hilarious. I liked the irish one the most!
3. snufftelectSalvaged from archive31 Aug 2006, 16:46
   [edit: content under discussion]
4. Commando80Salvaged from archive31 Aug 2006, 16:52
   .....Someones being a tightass now arent they...? Merri didnt mind, well he hasnt posted here so It seems as though he doesnt care about these jokes. tightass..
5. snufftelectSalvaged from archive31 Aug 2006, 17:26
   [edit: content under discussion]

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