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Twisted Nursery Rhymes

1. Ace1875Salvaged from archive28 Sept 2006, 22:00
   Hickory dickory dock, This chick went down on my cock, The clock struck one, She swallowed my cum, And I dropped her off on the next block. Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. When she bent over Rover took over, And gave her a bone of his own. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses And all the kings men, Said "Fuck him, He's only an egg." Simple Simon met a Pieman, Going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you got there? Said the Pieman unto Simon, Pies, you dickhead. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, Her clothes all tattered and torn. It wasn't the spider That crept up beside her, But Little Boy Blue and his horn. The virus in the DellTM, The virus in the DellTM, Hey, ho, the derry-oh, The virus in the DellTM! The virus takes a file, The virus takes a file, (etc) The file takes a disk...(etc) The disk takes the 'board...(etc) The 'board takes the LAN...(etc) The LAN takes the 'net...(etc) Mother McGee went to drive C: to find her poor Windows a byte But, when she enquired, all drive space expired And not even Stacker would put it right. Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass Now two of his front teeth are missing Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock cos Jill's a motherfuckin tranny.
2. That DudeSalvaged from archive29 Sept 2006, 04:15
   Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock cos Jill's a motherfuckin tranny. Winnar!
3. loadrunnerSalvaged from archive29 Sept 2006, 09:19
   Hush little baby don't say a word, For your last screams won't be heard. Forgive me father, for I am sin. I've gone off and killed again. If that bad man doesn't die, I’ll kill him and make him fly. He’s dressed in black and comes for your soul, And it’s not over at all. He kills you in your sleep at night, That way you give up with out a fight. If you don't want to die tonight, Pack your bags and leave in fright. --- enie minie minie moe, Who will be the next to go? If you holler I’ll choke you dead. The voices in my head tell me to pick the very best one and you are not... (Cough) (Cough). DEAD!! --- ------------------------------------------------- Ring around the rosie a pocket full of posies, Ashes ashes we all fall down, (REPEAT) (REPEAT) Ashes ashes we all fall down. --- Mary had a little bomb, little bomb, Little bomb, Mary had a little bomb, Its metal was shiny as steal. And everywhere that Mary went, Mary went, Mary went, Everywhere that Mary went The bomb was sure to go. One day Mary took it to school one day, School one day, school one day, One day Mary took it to school one day, and blew them all to hell. It made the children cry in pain cry in pain, cry in pain. It made the children cry in pain to see their death so soon. So Mary got a little gun, little gun, little gun, So Mary got a little gun, and killed herself that night. --- Twinkle, twinkle in your eye, Who will be the next to die? Up above in my little head, Visions of who's next to be dead. Twinkle, twinkle in your eye, Who will be the next to die?
4. SpleenSalvaged from archive29 Sept 2006, 17:45
   There once was a rabbit called Keith who cirumsized boys with his teeth it wasnt for leisure or sexual pleasure it was to get to the cheese underneath
5. cymru am bythSalvaged from archive29 Sept 2006, 18:49
   mary had a little lamb his fleece was white and whispy, then along came foot and mouth, now he's black and crispy mary had a little lamb she tied him to a pylon, 10,000 volt went up his arse and turned his wool to nylon mary had a little bike it was a raleigh punt and every time the wheels went round a spike went up her c u n t mary had a little lamb.................................. she got 5 years for commiting an indecent act on an animal
6. cymru am bythSalvaged from archive29 Sept 2006, 18:57
   Peter peter pumpkin eater had a wife loved to beat her smacked her twice across the head fucked her ass and went to bed ----------------------------------------------- Mary had a little lamb she kept it in her back yard when she took her panties off his wooly dick got hard --------------------------------------------- Little bow peep fucked a sheep blew a horse, licked his feet, she ate his ass so very nice tongued his balls not once but twice ---------------------------------------------- Mary had a little lamb it's fleece was black as coal, and every time it jumped a fence you could see it's pink asshole ---------------------------------------------- Mary Mary quite contrary shaved her pussy cause it was so damn hairy ----------------------------------------------
7. Big OzzieSalvaged from archive29 Sept 2006, 21:04
   There once was a man from Nantucket... Who's cock was so long he could Suck it! He said with a Grin... as he Wiped off his Chin... If my Ear was a Pussy I would FUCK it!
8. loadrunnerSalvaged from archive30 Sept 2006, 22:30
   There once was a guy in Dover He tried to pick a clover His head was down Got fucked by a clown it took 'm a week to get over
9. loadrunnerSalvaged from archive30 Sept 2006, 22:34
   there once was a goy in Dallas he fucked a girl named Alice she was so hot that all just he got were blisters on his phallus
10. loadrunnerSalvaged from archive30 Sept 2006, 22:38
    There once was a guy in seattle he was in the field of battle there was no wife even no one alive so he took his need on the cattle
11. HypotheticalSalvaged from archive1 Oct 2006, 09:09
    I hope the Mods don't take offense at this one, considering some of the stuff I"ve seen on here already it's not that bad.... The longest Lymerick I've ever read..... Sally-Jo taught Erotic Correction, Told her student to get an erection, "Put your dick in my mouth, Move it north move it south, Now you're getting a sense of direction..." Her instructions were very explicit, ANd more than a little illicit, "Please fill up my cunny, with fresh clover honey, and butter my buns like a biscut... "Then wrap me up in a nice blanket, And I'll sit on your staff while you crank it, I'll put on some feathers, And laces and leathers, and wiggle my ass while you spank it... "Now that your fingers are stinky, Tie me up in some chains that are clinky, bring in goats and a sheik, give my titties a tweak, and now we can start getting kinky... "Forget what the chain and the whip meant, Just get the straps and the slings and a shipment, of high grade vasoline, and a strong trampoline, and all of the other equipment... "When we get all the bedsprings a drummin, that's when I'll start a hummin, then quickly my dear, put it into my ear, so I'll hear the sound of it commin..." "I don't know know how much this is costing", said the student still covered with frosting, "But I can say with affinity, that I've lost my virginity, quite frankly my dear, you're exhausting!"
12. loadrunnerSalvaged from archive1 Oct 2006, 10:34
    this topic earns a :D
13. HypotheticalSalvaged from archive1 Oct 2006, 13:20
    Jack and Jill went up the Hill, Each with a buck and a quarter, Jill came down with two-fifty, That fucking whore. THree blind mice, See how they run? Where the fuck are they going? Old King Cole was a merry old soul, A merry old soul was he, He called for his pipe, he called for his bowl, I think we all know about old king Cole. Mary Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow? With small Bluebells, and Cockle SHells, And an acre and a half of Killer Shit.
14. loadrunnerSalvaged from archive1 Oct 2006, 14:06
    This one is twisted already (A dirty mind is a joy forever) These Are My Eyes. These are my eyes, These are my eyes. These are my eyes, So I can see. These are my ears, These are my ears. These are my ears, So I can hear. This is my nose, This is my nose. This is my nose, So I can smell. This is my tongue, This is my tongue. This is my tongue, So I can taste. These are my hands, These are my hands. These are my hands, So I can touch.
15. cymru am bythSalvaged from archive1 Oct 2006, 21:37
    Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides and everywhere that Mary went the boys could see her thighs. Mary had another skirt 'twas split right up the front ...But she didn't wear that one often Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread. Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play he kissed them too cos he was gay. Little boy blew. Hey. He needed the money. Humpty Dumpty fucked a fat whore, Humpty Dumpty fucked her some more, All the kings horses and all the kings men, Bent the bitch over and fucked her again Mary 'ad a little pig She couldn't stop it gruntin' She took it down the garden path And kicked its fucking c**t in!!!!! Spider, spider on the wall. Ain't you got no sense at all? Can't you see the walls been plastered? Now you're stuck you silly bastard Hey Diddle, Diddle, The cat did a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun Then died of electric shock. There was a little girl, Who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead... And when she was good, She was very very good, But when she was bad She got a fur coat, jewels, a Waterfront condo and a sports car. The boy stood on the burning deck Playing a game of cricket The ball rolled up his trouser leg And stumped his middle wicket Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a roll of cheese jack came down with a beaming smile and his trousers round his knees Little Jack Horner sat in the corner with a dirty look in his eyes he never looked at the pretty girls but he smiled when the boys went by Daisy, Daisy, give me your tits to chew, I'm half crazy, My bollox are turning blue, I cant afford a condom... A plastic bag will do, But you'll look sweet, Upon a sheet... With me on top of you rhe grand old duke of york he had 10,000 men if he'd had the energy he'd have had them all again
16. AllisterFiendSalvaged from archive1 Oct 2006, 21:47
    Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides and everywhere that Mary went the boys could see her thighs. Mary had another skirt 'twas split right up the front ...But she didn't wear that one often Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses And all the kings men, Said "Fuck him, He's only an egg." Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock cos Jill's a motherfuckin tranny. Jack and Jill went up the Hill, Each with a buck and a quarter, Jill came down with two-fifty, That fucking whore. Little boy blew. Hey. He needed the money. Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play he kissed them too cos he was gay. The best. :lol:
17. ThanatosSalvaged from archive4 Oct 2006, 23:16
    The duke of york one was the best lol!
18. cymru am bythSalvaged from archive11 Oct 2006, 10:20
    Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him, lifted her skirt and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!" Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?" "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other....."

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