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Salvaged from Archive: These posts were salvaged from the web archive of the original FileCabi forum (2007–2008). Usernames are as they were then and aren’t linked to today’s accounts.
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Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 1 Apr 2006, 13:02 · [Salvaged from Archive]
YOU MIGHT BE A RACER IF ...
You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars.
You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing.
When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.
You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
You bought a race car before buying a house.
You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.
You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!
The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):
1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motor home, a crew cab dually, a 28' enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Deaf neighbors.
6) Some sort of house with a working toilet & shower on the property - or - hookups for the motor home.
You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.
You have enough spare parts to build another car.
More than one racer supply store recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.
You think the last line of the Star Spangled banner is: "Racers start your engines!"
People know you by your class, car number, and car color.
You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.
Your family brings the couch into the garage to spend time with you.
A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."
You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work.
You always want to change something on your street car to make it handle better.
You've tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.
You save broken car parts as "momentous".
You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).
The local police and state highway patrol have a picture of your car taped to their dashboard.
Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have time slips.
You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.
After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on vacation she answers: "Why...is there a race there?"
You know at least three 1-800 numbers to aftermarket parts houses by heart.
You are on a first-name basis with owners of every local speed shop.
You want to take apart and rebuild things, even though they are not broken.
You have the monetary equivalent of a lunar rocket invested in it, but your car still won't cut a good light or run the number.
You own a vehicle that has at least 500 horsepower more than when it came out of Detroit.
You look for hi-po cars in the movies and try to guess what engine size, tire size, and whether or not it has nitrous in it.
You are the type of person who goes postal when you have to sit in a traffic jam for more than five minutes, yet you can spend five hours in the staging lanes.
Every stoplight becomes a practice tree to test your ability to tree the guy in the other lane's eyes out.
You wash your car like it was your firstborn child, you tend to its needs like it was your own body, you protect it like it's your family, then you drive it like you stole it.
You understand racing is a way of life, not just a means of transportation
you might be racer if your unborn child's ultrasound looks like this
http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/2967/1247113pj.gif
^^^^^got these from my Honda-tech post 4m 3yrs back
Saw these on the net thought of sharing
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug. | Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 1 Apr 2006, 18:16 · [Salvaged from Archive]
took me a minute to write it
100 Fun Ways To Order Pizza
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation:
ROBUST
FREE-SPIRITED
COST-EFFICIENT
UKRAINIAN
PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser!Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pirple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
What a dream girl would say.
1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!
5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya.
26. I'm finished, so whenever you're done... | Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 1 Apr 2006, 21:55 · [Salvaged from Archive]
Top Ten Funniest Email Adresses
10...Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - [email removed]
9...Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - [email removed]
8...George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) [email removed]
7...Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) [email removed]
6...Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) [email removed]
5...Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home decorating)- [email removed]
4...Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - [email removed]
3...Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) [email removed]
2...Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,Overton Canada) - [email removed]
1...Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - [email removed] | Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 1 Apr 2006, 21:57 · [Salvaged from Archive]
Top Ten Things Men Shouldn't Yell In Victoria's Secret
10... Does this come in children's sizes?
9...No thanks, just sniffing.
8...I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7...Mom will love this.
6...Oh, the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5...No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4...Will you model this for me???
3...The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
2...45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
1... Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that. | Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 1 Apr 2006, 21:59 · [Salvaged from Archive]
Top Ten shortest books
10.... DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9.... DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8.... EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7.... EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6.... ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5.... MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4.... SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3.... THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2.... MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
1....MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton | Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 1 Apr 2006, 22:01 · [Salvaged from Archive]
Top Ten best condoms
10.....Nike condom: Just do it.
9.....Toyota condom: Oh what a feeling.
8.....Diet Pepsi Condom: You got the right one, baby.
7.....Pringles condom: Once you pop, you can't stop.
6.....Mentos condom: The freshmaker.
5.....Flintstones Vitamins condom: Ten million strong and growing.
4.....Secret condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
3.....Doublemint condom: Double your pleasure, double your fun.
2.....Macintosh condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
1.....Ford condoms: The best never rest.
MORE GOOD ONES..
Chevy condoms: Like a rock.
Dial condom: Aren't you glad you use it?
Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto condom: Cause hey- you never know.
California Lotto condom: Who's next?
Avis condom: Trying harder than ever.
KFC condom: Finger-licking good.
Coca-cola condom: Always the real thing.
Lays condom: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's condom: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric condom: We bring good things to life.
AT&T condom: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty condom: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft condom: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer condom: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: Melts in your mouth not in your hand.
Taco Bell condom: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI condom: For friends and family.
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Travel Pack condom: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Travel pack condom: Fly United.
The Star Trek condom: To boldly go where no man has gone before. | Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 1 Apr 2006, 22:03 · [Salvaged from Archive]
Top Ten things A Man Would Never Say
10..... I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9..... While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8..... I think hairy butts are realy sexy.
7..... Her tits are just too big.
6..... Sometimes I just want to be held.
5..... That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4..... Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
3..... We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2....Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1..... I think we're lost. We'd better pull over and ask for directions.
Top Ten things A Woman Would Never Say
10..... Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9..... Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8..... I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7..... Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6..... Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpit are just too cute!
5..... This diamond is way too big!
4..... I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow!
3..... Wow, it really is 14 inches!!
2..... Does this make my butt look too small?
1..... I'm wrong. You must be right again. | Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 1 Apr 2006, 22:03 · [Salvaged from Archive]
Top Ten Blonde Inventions
10...The water-proof towel
9...Solar powered flashlight
8...Submarine screen door
7...A book on how to read
6...Inflatable dart board
5...A dictionary index
4...Ejector seat in a helicopter.
5...Powdered water
2...Pedal-powered wheel chair
1...Water-proof tea bag | Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 1 Apr 2006, 22:04 · [Salvaged from Archive]
Top Ten Reasons beer is better then women
10...You can have a beer in public.
9...When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer
8...A beer won't get upset when you come home with beer on your breath.
7...You can enjoy a beer all month long.
6...A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
5...You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
4...You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
3...A beer is always wet.
2...A beer always goes down easy.
1...You can share a beer with your friends.
Top Ten Ways To Get Rid Of A Telemarketer
10...Yea, I could use a credit card,I just filed for bankruptcy.
9...What are you wearing right now?
8...I'm wearing....(Add Lib)
7...How do you spell your name, yourcompany name, any kids...etc...
6...OMG I haven't seen you since highschool, (Go on and on)
5...(Screaming) Oh My God I have to go! and hang up.....
4...What? What????? I can't hear you.
3...Can you speak very slowly, I have to write it all down....
2...Can you fax this to me, (Give a fake number)
1...Hey, I'm under house arrest, couldyou bring me some beer? | Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 1 Apr 2006, 22:05 · [Salvaged from Archive]
Dear ________________,
_____ 1) It's been fun, but I want to see other people
______ 2) You suck in bed.
____ 3) I want to explore new things and meet new people
____ 4) I've seen Professional Wrestlers more sensitive than you
____ 5) You're a loser
____ 7) You're too sensitive, stop whining already
_____8) I have to break up with you because I slept with your best friend/ dog/ sister/ neighbor
_____ 9) It's not you, it's me. I'm a double agent and have to rescue the President
____ 10) I'm actually not straight / gay, fooled you!
___ 11) We can't have sex because I keep thinking about your mother/father/best friend/ cow/ next door neighbor
___ 12) Your stubborn refusal to not flush the toilet / shave / masturbate / kick helpless animals is just too much
___13) I'm prejudiced against _________, so this isn't going to work.
___ 14) You were so awful I'm joining a seminary / practicing celibacy forever
____ 15) I now hate men / women because of you
___ 16) You told my parents we do it like monkeys and they won't let me see you now
___ 17) You're fucking cheap, I don't want much, but c'mon!
___ 18) I have to leave, I pissed off the mob / government / terrorists / rap musicians
___19) You're leaving to college / the military / prison, I don't feel like waiting
____ 20) I've been indicted for War Crimes
____21) He / She is much better looking than you
___ 22) This sleazy guy /girl convinced me you're a waste of my time and I'm going to hook up with them
_____23) I've seen fourth graders smarter than your friends, at least the fourth graders can color in the lines and spell college correctly
___ 24) You are from New Jersey, nuff said
___ 25) I love my cat / dog / sex slave more and you're allergic to them
____26) I was blind when we started dating but now that my sight is back, eeeeewwww
____27) I'm shallow and want a guy / girl with lots of money
____28) I would rather make out with an electrical socket
____29) You're standing in the way of my dream job: Professional Polar Bear Kick Boxing champion.
Sincerely,
______________________ | Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 1 Apr 2006, 22:08 · [Salvaged from Archive]
I used this before
PRE-BOOTY CALL AGREEMENT
This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2005, by_______________________, between ____________and______________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening
3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup, " unless you are from
out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.
9. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.
10. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.
11. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
12. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the
fuck home.
13. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.
14. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
15. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's
girlfriend/boyfriend."
16. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.
18. No condoms, no fucking. Carry your ass home.
19. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.
Participating Party
Signature ___________________
Date: _______________
Participating Party
Signature_____________________
Date: ________________ | Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 1 Apr 2006, 22:10 · [Salvaged from Archive]
All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!
Dear:
a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) car
b) house
c) pet
d) espresso maker
e) left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under-appreciated
prank.
How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent-driven sledge
e) zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house,
b) wife,
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th-sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with torch-light,
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine.
b) fathom.
c) comprehend.
d) appreciate.
e) pay for.
And I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me.
b) sue me.
c) spank me.
d) take my firstborn.
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
fish in your koi pond.
But I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) school.
b) work.
c) church.
d) the bowling alley.
e) the municipal jail.
And to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend.
b) child.
c) sibling.
d) lease co-signer.
e) only possible match should you ever need a
bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid.
b) was so silly.
c) would have been funny if it worked.
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Me. | Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 3 Apr 2006, 23:52 · [Salvaged from Archive]
Inspirational Phrases You Will Never Hear At Work...
1. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."
2. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
5. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.
6. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who oppose them.
7. 2 days without a human rights violation.
8. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
9. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
10. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
13. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.
14. Plagiarism saves time.
15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. |
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