| Author | Message |
|---|
itzme!
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 11:28 · [Salvaged from Archive]
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs." |
Hails
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 12:06 · [Salvaged from Archive]
LMFAO here ya learn to speak Australian
http://www.stuffucanuse.com/aussie_windows/Speak_aussie.htm |
Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 12:13 · [Salvaged from Archive]
Or you could have posted this pic.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v206/XdrewsiferX/odd%20…
Hey Hails are you a dunny door in a cyclone? lol ;) |
Hails
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 12:27 · [Salvaged from Archive]
Texan In Australia
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,"Oh!We have wheat fields that are at least twice at large!"
Then they walk around the ranch a little,and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.The Texan immediately says,"We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has,meanwhile,almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks,"And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" |
Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 12:29 · [Salvaged from Archive]
^^^^lmao |
Hails
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 12:32 · [Salvaged from Archive]
There's an old swaggy walking down a dusty outback road. A cocky pulls up in an old beat up ute and says, "Would you like a lift, mate?" The swaggy replies, "No way, you can open and close your own bloody gates." :lol: |
Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 12:34 · [Salvaged from Archive]
ok whats a "swaggy" and a "cocky" and a "ute" |
Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 12:40 · [Salvaged from Archive]
Thru a childâs eyes
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911.
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again." |
Hails
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 12:41 · [Salvaged from Archive]
ok whats a "swaggy" and a "cocky" and a "ute"
A swaggie is - an unemployed man of few skills who travelled about the country on foot, carrying his few belonging tied up in a swag.
A cocky is someone who owns a property like thousands of acres , they have so many gates on the property so they like a passenger to open the gates , so they dont have to get out n open them LOL
A ute is a vehicle |
Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 12:43 · [Salvaged from Archive]
oohhh i get it now lol
Beware of Dog
Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.
"Yep, that's him," came the reply.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." |
Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 12:45 · [Salvaged from Archive]
Little Johnny
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" |
Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 12:46 · [Salvaged from Archive]
The Weigh Scale
Two kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the weigh scale in the corner. "Whatever you do," cautioned one youngster to the other, "Don't step on it!"
"Why not?" asked the sibling.
"Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!" |
Hails
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 12:48 · [Salvaged from Archive]
LMFAO |
Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 12:49 · [Salvaged from Archive]
My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.
"No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm."
"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?" |
Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 12:49 · [Salvaged from Archive]
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
The Reply:
Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad |
Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 12:52 · [Salvaged from Archive]
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50." |
Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 12:55 · [Salvaged from Archive]
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
------
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
------
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me! |
Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 10 Apr 2006, 13:06 · [Salvaged from Archive]
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me", thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So, you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet, and I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on, " said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy, " said the young rooster.
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little, but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old roosters lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely ahead of the young rooster.
By now, the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard, figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Darn !!!! that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month." |
Hails
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 14 Apr 2006, 10:27 · [Salvaged from Archive]
The Old Lady and the Condom
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: Whats that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Doesnt matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted :lol: |
Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 14 Apr 2006, 12:51 · [Salvaged from Archive]
^^^^^ ooohhh snap lmao. you dirty girl lol |
