| Author | Message |
|---|
Evil Conservative
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 11 Aug 2006, 20:13 · [Salvaged from Archive]
In what can best be described as an attempt to move their party back towards the political center, the Democrats today announced the "Castro-Carter 2010" initiative, which is quickly becoming known as the "Bearded Malaise" ticket.
"Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, George Soros, The Democratic Underground- they have really taken the party too far to the right," stated Carter-Castro spokesman Nathan Lemieux. "What we hope to do is return the Democratic Party to it's glory days of unrestrained capitulation towards anti-American aggression. We think that we have put together the right candidates to do just that."
Although Castro is not technically a United States citizen, lawyers from the ACLU are working hard to find a loophole that would allow him to run.
"It speaks volumes about our country that in this day and age, a man of Mr. Castro's accomplishments and stature can have his civil rights trampled on in such a way," said ACLU spokesman Drab Futar. "I've defended pedophiles, murderers and pickpockets and I am here to state unequivocally that to the best of my knowledge Mr. Castro is no pickpocket. And if in fact he is not a pickpocket, doesn't that entitle him to an opportunity... just an opportunity mind you... to lead this formerly great country of ours?"
When faced with questions about the rumors of Castro's apparently imminent demise, Lemieux remained optimistic.
"Just for the sake of argument let's say that the rumors are true- and I am in no way confirming them- and he is at death's door," Lemieux stated. "I think that it would actually be great for the campaign. Let's take a look at some facts. Dead musicians are actually quite productive. Now I know Castro isn't technically a musician, but he does enjoy music. John Lennon. Elvis. They are both raking in the dough and have fanatical followings. Tupac is more prolific now than he ever was alive. And don't forget about Keith Richards. Hell, he's still playing gigs and he's been dead going on fifteen years. A Castro dirt bath puts this ticket over the top." |
