| Author | Message |
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Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 6 Sept 2006, 07:29 · [Salvaged from Archive]
An old retired man in Pennsylvania had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time. |
Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 6 Sept 2006, 07:30 · [Salvaged from Archive]
FROM A RETIREE AND BUSH SUPPORTER:
I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5
MINUTES. WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A CITY COP WRITING OUT A PARKING
TICKET. I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING A
SENIOR A BREAK?" HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET. I
CALLED HIM A NAME. HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET
FOR HAVING WORN TIRES.
SO I CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME.
HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE
FIRST.
THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.
THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE
TICKETS HE WROTE.
I DIDN'T CARE. MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS ONE HAD AN
"ELECT JOHN KERRY" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.
I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED. |
Ace1875
Salvaged from Archive | Posted: 6 Sept 2006, 07:33 · [Salvaged from Archive]
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard.
"That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... And just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says......................
"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard." |
