The Forum › Jokes, Humor and Pranks FileCabi.net Forum (2007–2008)

Here's some jokes i found funny

1. HailsSalvaged from archive27 Nov 2005, 02:46
   Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One is known as Sister Mathematical and the other as Sister Logical. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour? Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants. Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape us. Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do? Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. Sister Mathematical: It's not working. Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too. Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go the this way. He cannot follows us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then, Sister Logical arrives. Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me. Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then? Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. Sister Mathematical: And? Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do? Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then? Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
2. HailsSalvaged from archive27 Nov 2005, 02:48
   Two men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I Saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year Is back on the market. They're asking £950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer£900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?" :lol:
3. HailsSalvaged from archive27 Nov 2005, 02:53
   The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an aboriginal elder. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU". First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan Men on camels two by two Destination - Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the old man top that they thought. The elder calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a huntin' went Met three whores in a pop up tent They was three, and we was two So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. The old man won.
4. sonic 2Salvaged from archive27 Nov 2005, 02:54
   HAHAHA :lol: but witch 1 is funnier i think the 1st one but #2 is so funny
5. FrenchfrySalvaged from archive27 Nov 2005, 04:02
   i liked the second one more
6. HailsSalvaged from archive27 Nov 2005, 04:11
   I like the 3rd one more :lol: :lol: :lol:
7. sonic 2Salvaged from archive27 Nov 2005, 05:30
   wait modds can change the order in the posts how did you get that 3rd when i posted B4 it
8. HailsSalvaged from archive27 Nov 2005, 08:08
   Man Falls Asleep At Church. One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.
9. HailsSalvaged from archive27 Nov 2005, 08:11
   Man Who Loved Baked Beans Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
10. sonic 2Salvaged from archive27 Nov 2005, 08:12
    haha i love theses and this forum
11. HailsSalvaged from archive27 Nov 2005, 08:17
    Little Johnny Gets Promoted A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her to." The teacher took him to the principals office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed. Principal: "what is 3 x 3" Johnny: "9" Principal: "6 x 6" Johnny: "36" And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right." The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree. Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of? Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" the principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "pockets" Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.
12. jedi_soccerSalvaged from archive27 Nov 2005, 14:19
    lol the nun one was great, i ddidn't even think of that
13. HailsSalvaged from archive1 Dec 2005, 06:28
    A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it worked for your ass." :lol:
14. HailsSalvaged from archive1 Dec 2005, 06:42
    An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
15. HailsSalvaged from archive1 Dec 2005, 06:48
    The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. "Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets." :lol:
16. sonic 2Salvaged from archive1 Dec 2005, 19:43
    hehe ahh images ahhhhh
17. spyder99gstSalvaged from archive7 Dec 2005, 02:33
    A priest in a small rural town was very fond of his 10 chickens and 1 handsome cock he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing. At the same time the priest heard rumors of cock- fights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Mass. During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?" All the women stood up. "Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?" Half the women stood up. "Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody seen my cock?" All the choirboys stood up.
18. spyder99gstSalvaged from archive7 Dec 2005, 02:41
    The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he would figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed, and there was quite an uproar. Suddenly a single voice was heard over the top of the noise: "And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long pause another voice asked, "And the fourth condition?" The pope replied, "Big tits."
19. HailsSalvaged from archive1 Mar 2006, 12:59
    Embarassment A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
20. HailsSalvaged from archive1 Mar 2006, 13:20
    Soldier An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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